I have sat here staring at my keyboard for an hour now. Contemplating if I should write this out or not. I know that this may make no sense, but I generally am a quiet person when it comes to my own personal life. I love sharing my adventures and journeys with my children. However, when it comes to matters that are solely about myself, I hesitate. Why? Perhaps the judgment is more cruel when kids are not involved. Or maybe I judge myself to harshly. If you have ever known me in real life, I am quiet upon first meeting anyone. An introvert if you will. It takes me a while to warm up to people. I have always been cautious of others. I have my reason, which I will take to my grave because they are far to personal for anyone to know, but I have them. With all of that being said, this is very hard for me to do.
Nonetheless, here I go…
It was October 7th when the news was confirmed. I was pregnant! I was carrying my third child and we couldn’t be happier. This was a pregnancy that we planned just like our other two. We didn’t yet know if we were getting another girl to join our girl squad or if we had a wildcard and a baby boy was among us. It honestly didn’t matter to either of us, because we had our baby that we prayed for.
My other two pregnancies where rough. I was sicker than a dog the entire first trimester. I mean I averaged a weight loss of 20 lbs. in 2 weeks between my other two pregnancies. I was miserable until I hit 14 weeks. After that I was golden. This time around, I wasn’t sick at all. Everyone told me that I must be having a boy since this pregnancy was a polar opposite from my others.
I started to become worried because I wasn’t feeling nauseous. Even though my first trimester was a trying time on my body, I appreciated it. It was somewhat of a reassurance that I am still pregnant and my child is doing well in keeping me unwell. Not having that feeling with my third pregnancy was questioning for me. But I wasn’t aloud to think negative and get caught up in my own thoughts. At the time, I had a 2 year old and nearly 1 year old. Mom had to have it together and make sure not to skip a beat. I mean everyone worries about their pregnancy until they reach their second trimester.
All was going as planned. However, the outcome was not one we had foreseen. You see, I miscarried that child. I was 11 1/2 weeks pregnant when I lost our baby. I was so close to hitting that second trimester window. We hadn’t yet known if we had a boy or girl and our child was already taken from us.
I knew that as soon as I saw blood it was all over. I just knew, I can’t explain it. I didn’t want to go to the ER because something in my heart already told me it was too late. I sat there crying on the bathroom floor for as long as my kids allowed me. But I had to wipe my tears and be brave for my girls. The first person I told was my husband who was already at work. I played it off to not worry him. I had set a plan for my mother to watch the girls and I would head to the very same hospital I had my girls at. When I checked myself in I had to wait all alone for a room to become available. It was so hard to not break down just waiting there. So I preoccupied my mind and started texting all my family that knew I was pregnant. I of course got many prayers and messages of support and concerns, but I started to become numb to the idea that I lost my baby after texting what was happening to me over and over.
I wish my mother was there with me, but I was not about to bring my young girls with me if I didn’t have to. Yes, it would of been nice to have Joey with me, my husband, but there is something about a mothers comfort. Right when I was feeling so alone I see my Nana Angie coming to be by my side. This amazing women is grandma goals, and I am so thankful to have in my life. She has always made me feel like a granddaughter even before Joey and I got married. She was what I needed in that moment of loneliness. Someone to calmly explain that she too has gone through this and that I will make it past this horrible moment in my life.
Just to my luck, the ultrasound machine that they used on me was having issues in collecting the saved images of my exam. I just wanted to get out of that room but instead I was there waiting for hours to hear the news. I do believe that sometimes things happen for a reason. Because if that machine didn’t have issues, Joey wouldn’t of been able to be by my side when the doctor confirmed the worst possible outcome. We had lost our baby and there was nothing they could do to help us. Of course the doctor gives her speech about how this potentially is a good thing and how my body is rejecting a pregnancy that could of led to complications down the road. Joey and I just sat there nodding our heads, staying calm and collected. Then thanking the doctor for her time and she left the room. We broke down in each others embrace and held each other for what seemed like eternity to me.
I can say that this lose in the beginning greatly effected him more than me. Time would tell a different story. I try to bury the bad and not let it see the light of day. I know, I know this is far from healthy but this is just what I do. The worst was when I would see friends making their pregnancy announcements and I was quietly mourning my loss. Tears would fall down my face as I saw their happy moments. I then would take a deep breath, lock my demons away and remind myself to be happy for their gift. I had two healthy girls already and some people in this life are denied that. Even with that being said, I still cry thinking about this time in my life. Sadly it is so common but it is such taboo to speak upon it.
As sad as my little story has gotten I can assure you it has a happy ending.
Joey and I said we were done having kids. If God willed another child into our life we would be oh so grateful, but we agreed that we would appreciate what he has allowed to have and focus all of our attention onto Brooke and Olivia and not to focus on what we could have. A year passed and I became pregnant with our rainbow baby, Rachel. My happy girl Rachel. She is nearly 6 months and thriving. I cannot wait to see her personality unfold.
I would love to have more children but after 3 c-sections in 4 years, I just personally don’t feel that it is the best decision for my body. With that, our family is complete and my heart is so full.
Today is October 15, National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I never held you but I love you. I will always remember our journey together sweet child.